Bumps in the Night.

“Human control services, this is Ethel speaking, how can I help you?”

“Hi, my name is Harold Koenig. I think I have a human problem.”

“Has it just sprung up or has it been an ongoing problem?”

“Ongoing -- I guess.”

“How long?”

“The past few months.”

“Okay. Are you residing in an occupied house that’s more than a hundred years old?”

“Well, yes, I’m in an historical district, but when I bought the house, the realator assured me that the house had long been abandoned.”

“Hmm, we’ll have to check on that -- Now, Mr. Koeling.

“Koenig.”

“Mr. Koenig -- in a house that old, the worldly barriers will tend to break down, leaving large holes between the spirit world and the physical world, you do understand that?”

“Yes. It was in the contract when I signed for the property.”

“Well, you’re going to have some human problems eventually.”

“I didn’t expect an infestation of this size, however.”

“Tell me, how many humans do you estimate are in the house now?”

“I’d say... five or six.”

“Ages?”

“There’s definitely a woman... and kids -- maybe three kids. I’m sure there’s a husband around for the woman.”

“Ok, so a young family. Race? Religion? Class?”

“Oh, well, I don’t know. I’ve only heard them talking.”

“Do you remember any specific things they’ve said? Maybe some clues there.”

“Well, I remember the mother calling one of the kids ‘Madison’.”

“Ok. White middle-class, most likely. What else?”

“I’ve heard them playing talk radio now and then... NPR, I think.”

“Oh, Atheists, that’s gonna be tough. Those things can dig themselves in deep.”

“Is there anything you can do? I just bought the house five years ago. I’m close to paying off the mortgage early. Please, just, anything.”

“Well, what we offer is a scare package that should remove just about any unwanted humans in a matter of days -- two weeks at the most. We’ve got a whole team raring to go as soon as tomorrow.”

“Wonderful. What’s the best package you have.”

“Let’s see -- well, out most popular is the crazy axe-wielding lumberjack and his wife, who usually comes naked with a detachable head.”

“Well, the house is located in a downtown area... any serial killer impersonators?”

“We’ve got a great selection of serial killers. For your particular problem, I’d suggest Wally Carvin Jr.. He’s got a backstory as a notorious child murderer -- that package even comes with a bunch of creepy little girls to pose as his victims.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful.”

“Yeah, I just thought, ‘Well, the family’s got kids, that outta get them out the door in no time’.”

“Oh, yes, that sounds perfect.”

“Would you like to schedule an appointment for tomorrow night sometime between one and five?”

“Yes. I should be available then.

“Perfect. It’s scheduled. You have a nice night.”

“You too. Thanks so much.”

“Bye-bye.”